UDL Lab terminal entries (2024)

Alarm Status: OFFLINE
===========================

NOTE: The next person who sets the alarm off as a joke is getting the lost time taken out of their paycheck.

It was funny the first time. Not the last twenty-seven. - NS

Alarm Status: ACTIVATED
===========================

NOTE: Chastity, if you lost your keycard again, I'm cutting your monthly Fizzy Tea rations in half. - NS

Incident Logs
===========================

UDL is committed to the safety and security of its property, human and otherwise.

For security purposes, only the most recent records of alarm activations will be kept.

Incident #49
===========================

Alarm triggered at [12:39 AM] by [CHAMBERS, C.]

Retrieving transcript...

SANDERS, N.: Chastity? Everything okay?
CHAMBERS, C.: Sorry, I can't find my keycard.
SANDERS, N.: So you set off the alarm? You could've knocked.
CHAMBERS, C.: ...huh.

Incident #50
===========================

Alarm triggered at [5:04 PM] by [POWELL, J.]

Retrieving transcript...

POWELL, J.: Marauders! Help!
SANDERS, N.: Everyone, lockdown protocols! Powell, how many do you see?
POWELL, J.: Laws, they're- they're everywhere!
SANDERS, N.: Come on, I need details!
POWELL, J.: Okay! Uh... check up your ass. Because I'm pretty sure you've got something lodged in there.
SANDERS, N.: Oh, for the love of- [inaudible]

Incident #51
===========================

Alarm triggered at [2:11 AM] by [CHAMBERS, C.]

Retrieving transcript...

SANDERS, N.: What is it now?!
CHAMBERS, C.: Sorry. Cost my leecard.
SANDERS, N.: Chastity? Are you drunk?
CHAMBERS, C.: ...[no audio available]
SANDERS, N.: Chastity.
CHAMBERS, C.: ...No.
SANDERS, N.: Oh, for [CENSORED - language inconsistent with UDL standards]. If I have to deal with one more false alarm, I'll [CENSORED - language inconsistent with UDL standards] but not before I've [CENSORED - language inconsistent with UDL standards] Fish Stix.
CHAMBERS, C.: [static]
SANDERS, N.: Architect's balls. Are you asleep out there?
CHAMBERS, C.: Wha-? No.
SANDERS, N.: Just get inside.

Incident #52
===========================

Alarm triggered at [4:17 PM] by [POWELL, J.]

Retrieving transcript...

POWELL, J.: [inaudible] -marauders! They're really here this time!
SANDERS, N.: I'm not falling for that. Get back to work.
POWELL, J.: I mean it! We- [static]

Universal Defense Logistics
============================
This terminal is only to be used by UDL personnel with S-564 clearance. If you are reading this without S-564 clearance, please report to your supervisor for immediate termination and disciplinary action, including but not limited to: fines in excess of 100,000 bits, detention in a UDL-authorized incarceration center for up to 349 months and a personal letter from Chairman Rockwell* expressing his extreme disappointment.

Project Name: NOTATOY
Status: COMPLETE-ISH
Authorization: S-564 CLEARANCE
============================
After successful trials, management has decided to put Project NOTATOY on hold. UDL will instead pursue projects with a wider area of effect for more practical large-scale crowd control.

NOTE: Before anyone asks, this does NOT mean I'm unlocking the gun. It's still off-limits. - NS

Early results are promising. We've managed increase^[sic] the surface tension of the "Gloop" to create a controlled and predictable spread of the substance. Management wants a catchier name, though.

Note: I told Powell we're not calling the project STICKYBITZ, but he refuses to refer to it as anything else. It doesn't even make sense - the Gloop particles are nearly fritcionless.

Powell and Chastity have started to show interest in the project. Which should be good, but their "trials" seem to involve covering various hard-to-reach surfaces in Gloop and launching (expensive) equipment at them.

I'm going to have a talk with them.

Chastity used the Gloop Gun in our office paintball game yesterday. She said it was a "mistake," but this is the third time she's made the same "mistake," and she managed to cover the door panel with the stuff. Damn thing's been going haywire ever since.

Do you know how hard it is to clean Gloop? Chastity doesn't, because every time I pull out the latex and solvent, she remembers she's got actual work to do.

From now on, I'm locking the damn gun up.

Mandatory Security Check
============================
To confirm that you are an authorized Universal Defense Logistics security specialist, please answer the following questions.

Question 1: You are attending a company meeting at HHC headquarters in Byzantium, and vile dissidents attack the building.

What is your priority?

Question 2: You are perusing one of our many UDL Personal Security Mega-Outlets - and enjoying our fine selection of employee compliance equipment - when you are approached by a stranger. He makes an offhanded comment that could be construed as an indirect insult to Chairman Rockwell.

What do you do?

Question 3: You and your spouse have a healthy, loving relationship, but one day you discover that they have been reading unsanctioned stories to your children.

What do you do?

Use of prototype crowd suppression weapon GL-009 has been authorized.

REMINDER: Indoor use of this weapon will result in any cleaning fees being deducted from your paycheck.

Have a pleasant day!

Project Name: LOREM IPSUM
Status: IN PROGRESS
Authorization: A-237 CLEARANCE
============================
Project LOREM IPSUM shall result in a potent, mostly non-lethal crowd control gas for use against rioting, agitated, or excessively numerous crowds.

Rich sulfur pockets make Monarch a prime site for testing and experimentation. Early results show promise, but further research is necessary.

UDL disavows all knowledge of and responsibility for LOREM IPSUM.

All data in this report is considered proprietary knowledge of UDL

Ejecting...

Portable storage device ejected.

Ms. Valdez,

Just reporting in to let you know the lab's all set up. We found a good sulfur pocket to drill into, so the data's coming in, but this place smells awful.

The only local we've had to make contact with is the SubLight boss in Fallbrook. She doesn't ask questions, but I'm pretty sure she's gouging us, and we're all getting sick of expired Cysty-Bits.

Sanders,

It's supposed to smell awful. That's the point.

And I don't care what SubLight is charging as long as it keeps your presence there quiet. If word gets out, we're going to spend the rest of our lives in corporate re-education seminars.

I don't want to hear from you again until you have a working formula. Once we've got that, you and the rest of the lab rats can come to Byzantium and live on cacow ribs for all I care.

And come up with a better name for the project. Something flashy and catchy but that the rest of management will take seriously. Maybe "WATERLOO." Or "DANGERBURN."

I'm sick of my boss asking me why I'm forgetting to fill out parts of my reports.

...

Access restricted by user

POWELL, J.

Login credentials required

If Valdez wants a better title, see how she likes these. - JP

She's going to be furious if she ever finds this list, and I'm not covering for you. Make sure these are good and hidden. - NS

THUNDERDAWG
EGGSMAYHEM
SKUNKPARADE
f*ckYOUVALDEZ
IWANTMYRAISE